The Silver Lining?

Monday, February 4, 2013

I haven't blogged in what feels like a year but really only 4 months. When I say only 4 months, I am referring to this period in my life that has probably been the most traumatic. When I look back at it I can't help but wonder how so much happened in so little time. I guess that is the beauty about life, whether it may be up or down, it changes by the second. You have no choice in the matter & all you can do is sit back an enjoy the ride.

Once I logged on to the blog, I saw my last post that brought tears to my eyes. I was sharing a moment in time where I was pregnant and excited for the future. Well, I am no longer pregnant and although I am still excited for the future, my future has been altered. I no longer bask in the joy of having two daughters that I would be able to dress alike. I will no longer need two of everything. I will no longer have the memories of two baby girls growing up together. As sad as these statements are, they are my reality. A harsh reality that I have been dreading to come to terms with. There are days that I'm okay, although I don't think I will ever really be okay.... and then there are those days that are beyond horrible. I think the only thing in this world that gives me some ounce of peace is knowing Abigail Rae is in a better place, and not suffering. She was twin A and unfortunately got hit with some infection during my pregnancy. Eventually by body was trying to get rid of the infection and forced me into pre-term labor 16 weeks early. Unfortunately because it was her placenta that got the infection, she did not make it. I did get to hold her, although she had passed only an hour after birth... I did get to kiss her and embrace her one last time and what a sweet angel she was. I love her and miss her more than I could have ever imagined.

How in the world did this happen to me, is the very question I think of every single day. That along with how did I manage to fail the very one thing I was supposed to do, which was carry my daughters to full term? I never thought in my wildest dreams that they would come so early, or that I would ever have make arrangements for the loss of one of my children. I will always feel that I failed them, no matter what anyone says, noone can change my reality.

I believe in God, and I believe that he was merciful. Merciful in the sense that he spared my sweet Olivia. Was this my silver lining? I do believe so. Oh my sweet Olivia, what a fighter she is. Olivia weighed 1 pound 1 ounce & 10 6/8" long. She had to undergo a surgery 2 weeks after birth, and has been hit with 2 infections. She was on a ventilator breathing for her for most of her life. Through it all, she fought. She fought so hard every single second of these almost 3 months to live. I thank God, and her sister Abigail for that. I strongly believe that her sister laid over isolette protecting her & giving her the strength and courage to fight as two. What they were created to do. My sweet Olivia is now a whopping 3 pounds and 2 ounces, breathing a good portion on her own and is growing healthy and stronger every day. For this I am blessed.

It's very bitter sweet for me. When I hold Olivia in my arms and see her flourish to be this warrior preemie that she is, I can't help but think of my sweet Abigail. What would life be like if she was still here? I miss her so and even though I know Abigail will always be apart of Olivia, this has been one of the hardest things in my life that I have had to forcefully deal with, because I'm not sure if I will ever be able to overcome it.

Although these past 3 months have seemed like a year in hell, there has been something extraordinary that has come out of it. You may call it my silver lining, I however refer to it as my miracle baby, Olivia Abi - Rae.


  1. Wow... first of all im so sorry for Abigail. I dont know what its like to loose a baby so far along. My 3 miscarriages were under a month pregnant . I was very sad. I can't imagine holding one and having to make arrangments for its passing. My heart truly breaks for you! I do understand how you feel about not being able to do the one thing we were meant to do and that was to carry a baby to full term and give it the best possible start to life. I get that. I feel the same way . I gave birth to Ziva when I was 29 weeks pregnant . She was so small and seemed so helpless. And it was my body that went south and made it a place that she couldn't live in. I posted my birth story on my blog. I still have PTSD from it and its been 5 1/2 months ago.... its a hard road. The best I can figure is .....we must be very strong women since G-d said He wouldn't put us through more than what we could handle. I love ya Tiffany and you have quickly become a dear friend to me. I'll keep praying for your recovery . And that somehow your heart can function, even if it is torn in two. <3

  2. I will be praying for you and your little miracle. I have a 24 weeker, stayed 119 days in the NICU. RIP Abigail.


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