What's Next?

As I lay next to this bundle of joy, I can't help but count my blessings. My life has changed drastically. I went from full time workaholic to full time mommy in less than a year. I am now consumed entirely by my miracle baby who is the key to my happiness...whereas a year ago I would say that exact same thing about my career.

Since Olivia's been home, we've been trying to settle into somewhat of a schedule. Surprisingly, my OCD self hasn't been so proactive on scheduling and instead trying to bask in the joy of just having her home. Whether that be her 3am feedings or just all hours of the night fussiness... nothing and I mean nothing, will frustrate me. The entire situation from birth to now has given me such a new meaning to life with a brand new perspective. I thank God & her for that because at the end of the day, this is what life is truly about. Family, Love, and creating a life full of memories. 

Don't get me wrong, I do miss fashion and the business. I'm just not sure what the future holds with it. Lately I've been pondering on what exactly is the next plan of action for my career. For the last 6 months, my entire focus has been on Olivia and bringing her home. Now that she's home, I've been asking myself what's next? I can't just jump back into where I left off because fashion doesn't really work like that. In some ways, I have to start all over....but with a preemie that needs me. I've never been good at time management and I'm curious to see where do I go from here? If it were up to Steven, I'd be a stay at home mom...but as much as I LOVE being a mom, a huge part of me is linked to my passion for business & fashion. Being creative in any fashion feeds my soul and lately it's been itching to come out. Now only if I knew how I should go about scratching it! 

The Silver Lining?

I haven't blogged in what feels like a year but really only 4 months. When I say only 4 months, I am referring to this period in my life that has probably been the most traumatic. When I look back at it I can't help but wonder how so much happened in so little time. I guess that is the beauty about life, whether it may be up or down, it changes by the second. You have no choice in the matter & all you can do is sit back an enjoy the ride.

Once I logged on to the blog, I saw my last post that brought tears to my eyes. I was sharing a moment in time where I was pregnant and excited for the future. Well, I am no longer pregnant and although I am still excited for the future, my future has been altered. I no longer bask in the joy of having two daughters that I would be able to dress alike. I will no longer need two of everything. I will no longer have the memories of two baby girls growing up together. As sad as these statements are, they are my reality. A harsh reality that I have been dreading to come to terms with. There are days that I'm okay, although I don't think I will ever really be okay.... and then there are those days that are beyond horrible. I think the only thing in this world that gives me some ounce of peace is knowing Abigail Rae is in a better place, and not suffering. She was twin A and unfortunately got hit with some infection during my pregnancy. Eventually by body was trying to get rid of the infection and forced me into pre-term labor 16 weeks early. Unfortunately because it was her placenta that got the infection, she did not make it. I did get to hold her, although she had passed only an hour after birth... I did get to kiss her and embrace her one last time and what a sweet angel she was. I love her and miss her more than I could have ever imagined.

How in the world did this happen to me, is the very question I think of every single day. That along with how did I manage to fail the very one thing I was supposed to do, which was carry my daughters to full term? I never thought in my wildest dreams that they would come so early, or that I would ever have make arrangements for the loss of one of my children. I will always feel that I failed them, no matter what anyone says, noone can change my reality.

I believe in God, and I believe that he was merciful. Merciful in the sense that he spared my sweet Olivia. Was this my silver lining? I do believe so. Oh my sweet Olivia, what a fighter she is. Olivia weighed 1 pound 1 ounce & 10 6/8" long. She had to undergo a surgery 2 weeks after birth, and has been hit with 2 infections. She was on a ventilator breathing for her for most of her life. Through it all, she fought. She fought so hard every single second of these almost 3 months to live. I thank God, and her sister Abigail for that. I strongly believe that her sister laid over isolette protecting her & giving her the strength and courage to fight as two. What they were created to do. My sweet Olivia is now a whopping 3 pounds and 2 ounces, breathing a good portion on her own and is growing healthy and stronger every day. For this I am blessed.

It's very bitter sweet for me. When I hold Olivia in my arms and see her flourish to be this warrior preemie that she is, I can't help but think of my sweet Abigail. What would life be like if she was still here? I miss her so and even though I know Abigail will always be apart of Olivia, this has been one of the hardest things in my life that I have had to forcefully deal with, because I'm not sure if I will ever be able to overcome it.

Although these past 3 months have seemed like a year in hell, there has been something extraordinary that has come out of it. You may call it my silver lining, I however refer to it as my miracle baby, Olivia Abi - Rae.

Life Currently

 

I've been in denial for the past month or two on how big of a detour my life was beginning to take...already. I was beyond happy when I found out I was pregnant, and ever more with twins. I however thought that my pregnancy would be no big deal and I would be able to plow through life as if nothing had changed. I was so wrong, and in denial to say the least.

I'm not sure if it was bad timing on my part, or God's sign for something I still have yet to experience but launching a fashion business while being pregnant with twins is hard. I, having the super woman mentality that I have, did not let it stop me until about a month ago. I was still knee deep into the business going on meetings, schlepping samples around, and working around the clock. I was determined that my pregnancy would not get in the way of my business success and I was adamant that I could do it all. One Sunday I had slept most of the day away as I had a busy week prior. I woke up around 5 in the evening from my nap to find myself bleeding. At that exact second in time, my heart stopped and the only thing I could think of was if my babies were okay? I was rushed to the hospital and admitted. Thankfully everything was okay and my little angels were safe and sound but the doctor had  said that carrying multiples is very demanding on your body and is considered a high risk pregnancy. Every day counts and my OB ordered me to be on complete bed rest. I was not allowed to do anything except eat, shower, and rest. This was a total shock to me since I was only 16 weeks at the time. I've seen so many pregnant women working through their pregnancy up until the baby was born and I just thought I would be one of those women. 2 weeks into my bed rest and I had a complete breakdown. All of my hard work and money invested into the business has to be put on complete hold and this was not an easy pill to swallow.

I woke up one morning and had remembered a couple of dreams about the business from the night and I just started balling in bed. Steven immediately asked me what was wrong and I just couldn't stop crying. He gave me a lot of perspective and made me realize that just because my life is taking a detour, it does not mean that its over and my dreams of launching a business is over. It just means there is another route that I will need to take to get there one day and for now, a new path has opened and I am destined to follow it! Thank God for blessing me with my partner in life because Steven has truly been my back bone supporting me throughout all of this. I am so lucky to have such an amazing man and partner in life. I've finally given in and left my life in God's hands. I've let it all go and am finally at peace with enjoying every moment of my pregnancy and making sure I do everything to keep my babies safe and sound for at least 16 more weeks! I'm 20 weeks to day and it's vital to keep them cooking in my tummy until 36 weeks and if that means laying in bed for the next 16 weeks, I'm determined to do so. They are my life and they depend on me for their lively hood and it has finally sunken in that this is all happening for a reason...and the day I finally hold my babies in my arms, nothing else will matter :)

THINKING ABOUT: Diapers! LOL sounds funny huh? Well since we are having twins, I am already starting to obsess about all the logistics both financially and functionally of what we need to prepare for their arrival. Diapers are not cheap, and having two times the poo will be costly to say the least. Thus I'm already starting to stock pile diapers! I've researched a ton and got a lot of tips from others and the key is to get diapers when the are on sale and its hard when your babies are already here and in need. If I stock up now, I can wait for the sales and coupons since the babies wont be here until March.

WATCHING: Everything & Anything. My days are wide open now and consist of reading and watching my shows such as Vampire Diaries :)

CRAVING: As of late it has been black olives & frosted flakes! Not together of course but its no surprise that you see me open a can of black olives and eat them up right out of the can like a meal! Just last night I was having such a craving for a bowl of frosted flakes that I asked me lovely hubby to go to the grocery store at 10pm to go get me some since we were all out. They are sooo good and makes me one happy mama!

FEELING: Happy & Blessed. Content that my life is exactly where is destined to be and enjoying every minute of it!

xoxo, T

Muse Monday: Jessica Cook

This weeks Muse Monday features the ever so beautiful, @Jessicamcook
 I stumbled upon Jessica after perusing many head shots to cast a model for my look book. Once I saw hers, I immediately knew I had found the one I was searching for! She had everything that I was looking for, and her personality made my first look book photo shoot, one for the books. She is uber talented and did I mention she could sing! She is not only beautiful on the outside, but an amazing person on the inside as well. Talk about the full package! I look forward to working with her again in the future...

Designer Spotlight: Alexandre Vauthier

I skipped out on the Emmy festivities last night and instead watched the season finale of #RHNJ. Yes, I don't know what my Sundays will be like now that it's over. At least there is a 3 part reunion to hold me over! 

Any who, as I was doing my usually blog browsing, I noticed that this years Emmy's fashion seemed pretty mediocre. One look that definitely caught my eye was a gown by Alexandre Vauthier. Heidi Klum always looks stunning... but this look in particular took the cake! Between the soft sheer draping, and thigh high slits, Oy Vey! even though it exudes all kinds of sexiness, the femininity of the cut and color make it a beautiful gown. Well done Alexandre!

Life's Multiple Blessings...

Even though it's been dead silent on my blog, Its been a whirlwind of some of the highest peaks of my life in the past two months. I've been through so many ups and downs in the past 27 years and even though I know there are many more to come, I am blessed beyond belief.

 I've been silent because I've been keeping a secret.One that has been very hard to keep to myself. It gives me great joy as I type, Babylove and I are expecting two bundles of joy! Yep...you read correct. God has blessed us with twins and my heart skips two little beats with the very thought of it :)
 

Being that we are having twins, we have to see a specialist and OB since it's recognized as a higher risk pregnancy. We had our 10 week check up last Tuesday and I took my niece Alexis with me. The twins are doing great and all was good. As my OB was doing my ultrasound, Alexis and I got to see the twins doing somersaults! It was so surreal and such an amazing moment to share with my 8 year old niece. A memory we will have forever :) I remember when she was just born and now to think how fast 8 years have flown by...I really can't wait to meet my babies!

Life Currently...

As always life has caught up to me where I've not been able to balance it all out. So much has happened since my last Life Currently post. It's so overwhelming that I feel at times it overtakes me. Blogging is beneficial in so many ways. One of which is being able to document your life in a chapter format. Having this outlet allows you to look back at times, memories, etc., and see how far you have come and how much your life has changed whether that be for better or worse.

I've been trying my hardest to balance family with work, but at times seems almost impossible. I do feel like I am getting better at it though. The kids are off from school for the summer so trying to keep myself and them on a schedule is challenging... but I'm determined to conquer it! We've been super social as there seems to be a festivity of some sort every weekend. The first picture is of my niece Alexis, my stepson Dylan, and myself photo-boothing-it-up in the car. Can you tell they were fighting over whose face will be more present in the picture! lol I think Dylan got us on this one :) The second picture is a rather large bowl of fruits and veggies. I've been on a juicing kick trying to keep my energy high since my daily to-do-list is by far its' lengthiest to date. The Green Machine is my go to recipe that is both healthy & delicious! The third picture is a snapshot of me knee deep into the collection in downtown LA. Everything is going good and I am super excited to see everything come to life. It truly is an amazing feeling to see your one dimensional sketches transform into a three dimensional body of artwork. After the Spring/Summer 2012 Sample Set is complete, that is when all the hard work will truly start. As daunting as it may seem,  I'm more than ready. I am pursuing my dreams no matter what it takes. The fourth picture is a gift that I was pleasantly surprised with for my birthday. It came all the way from Canada from a good friend of mine that I truly cherish. It was a surprise and it truly means more to me than she'll ever truly know. As I've gotten older, I have realized that good friends are truly hard to come by. So if you have a good circle of friends, cherish them!

THINKING ABOUT: Life in it's totality. Relationships, Careers, Responsibilities, Happiness, Finances, Aspirations, Love, Obligations, The highs...the lows...I mean the list goes on, and on.

WATCHING: Nothing Really. Well I haven't been able to watch much tv these days but I am recording my favorites that are back on for the summer; True Blood & Pretty Little Liars. Ha, please don't judge me for my cheesy guilty pleasures such as abcfamily and those vamps!

EATING: Healthy. Juicing has gave me a new perspective to eating healthy. I just can't continue on the path that I have with food. It is a love/hate relationship that needs some serious boundaries. I am getting older, my body is changing, and I really need to put as much TLC into it as I i do in other areas of my life. {ugh, the whole balance thing is truly a challenge for me} I am staying away from all things junk, processed, and sugary...for 98% of the time. I will indulge in the other 2% because hey, life is short and what's 2%? lol

FEELING: Spiritual. I have gotten more and more aligned with God as I have aged. I feel that throughout the numerous life changes that have occurred, the only reason I have stayed calm and peaceful is GOD. He is the reason I have been blessed with everything that I have and I am putting him at the forefront of my priorities. He comes before all and It feels so right within. I've always prayed, and always had somewhat of a connection...but now it's on a whole different level. I am reading the word everyday as a compass to guide me along this crazy world we call life and God is guiding me through it all. This is one of the prayers I say on a daily basis;

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions of how you balance out your life or leave links of your life currently posts! 

xx, 

TD